wondering why i'm doing this again. i can very easily get consumed by it.

it's funny.

i know it's time to get to the book- go quieten my rampant crazy thoughts- but what. i'm not sure it's gonna happen. i'm not doing this the right way. was this coming? being afraid of myself, happening again.

some people mention ^, without really meaning what they say. and they misrepresent ^. i don't want to be guilty of that. how can i be careful with words when i'm not able? should i just ignore it altogether? i know the need to be sensitive, to be not in the sense discreet.. but in loving people who are lost (perhaps i still am..) i have to treat them with patience, understanding, etc what's my mission? i don't dare to overestimate myself and proclaim to the rest of the fac. self-righteousness kills too. i don't think too highly of myself though. i'm a nasty thing. i wonder how long i can take this.

hm what do you make of this? i've got a nasty inkling of what the situation will turn out to be like on 31. it's something i want to prevent. even better let 30 be the last day. say what? 3 days-wasted-3 more days for "redemption"?

what is it like to not know what your $ thinks of you? and how far i think the gap is. overthinking kills me.

perhaps i'm wrong.

i always get hammered by myself. hate you now. really.

i hope i don't come here again. how exposed. & vague. just go away.

lol